so yea, i hate it how easily the awesome things of God become routine and old news. we are so fickle. Ugh, i hate falling into my comfort zone, and i especially hate how long it takes for me to realize that is just what i have been doing. I was talking to my mom today and i was telling her how i was so frustrated because there are all these things i feel passionate about but yet my actions dont really portray it. she reminded me of the verse "my heart is willing but my flesh is weak." thats exactly how i feel. also the passage paul wrote describing how he does exactly what he hates, but what he loves he does not do. Ugh! so frustrating. i suck. but its so easy to make excuses. Sometimes i let myself believe the lie that it is enough just to be passionate (but is it really even passion if there is no action behind it anyway). That God knows the desires of my heart and he is cool with it. Even though i suck, God is gracious and will let it slide because he will help me do better next time. That is NOT an excuse! however, we are weak and broken vessels but we are not supposed to live in guilt and shame. the line between spiritual conviction and fleshly shame is so thin. Sometimes i give up trying to figure it out.

lately i have been trying to figure out where this apathy is coming from. its like i remember what God was showing me a few weeks ago and i want to feel that passion again. i go through the motions trying to spark what was there before but something in my heart just isnt engaging! i feel like such a hypocrite. and i realize that something isnt right so it makes me feel like even more of a fraud.

i got a little insight on my attitude tonight. A few weeks ago everyone was talking about all that God was doing on campus. It seemed like things were all falling together. i was learning a lot in chuch and biblestudy. i was having to rely on God in a lot of ways. and then i felt like God was using me and entrusting me with a pat of his ministry as all these opportunities started to come up to interact with girls and share gods love with them. it was scary and awesome and i felt like there was so much potential there. I guess at first it all seems so new and exciting. its easy to see what God is doing and how miraculous and gracious it is because you havent seen it that way in so long. but after a couple of weeks with no huge mountain top Successes (from a fleshly standpoint) the newness wears off, the opportunities get monotonous(which is ridiculous! but we are human i guess) and discouragement sets in. I start to question if i am in the right place with God because i am not seeing the immediate success i want ( totally putting God in a box) and i feel like i am doing something wrong. Then when i cant figure it out or fix it i feel like a failure. Like the girls that were so interested in biblestudy keep missing days, and the girls i did solarium with didnt just jump on the band wagon and see the light right away. I know that i need to be persistent and that gets overwhelming because i begin to wonder if it will ever happen or if i am just wasting my time, and then i get lazy. the problem is i am stubborn. Plus i would rather do nothing at all, than risk failing. so i do nothing, because then i cant screw it up! Wow, i know i am limiting God, but knowing it in my head and being able to let go so my heart changes are 2 completely different things.

one of the things i have been most convicted about lately is seeing God as my standard and comparison rather than other believers. I have never been so surrounded by people so strong and passionate in there faith. i see things that i admire in everyone of them. and i see things that they have in their walk with God that i want in mine. so then i start measuring myself up to them instead of asking God how he wants our relationship to look. I see the gifts and abilites and the passions they have, and i think i dont measure up. thats an area i really struggle with...inadequacy ( and ironically enough, pride...figure that out) even in panama city, i was looking around the room during womens time and i pretty much started crying because i saw all of these Godly women that God was really using in obvious ways and i felt completely worthless in comparison. totally the enemy trying to wear me down. Praise God that He came to die for me even when i am completely helpless and of no worth to him. i cant even comprehend a love like that to be honest. Everyone had these awesome God stories and i thought, "of course you wouldnt have one... you just dont have what they have, you dont have it in you." and i think that might be a reason i havent seen any "success" in the ways i have tried to minister lately. if something awesome did happen, i would probably use it to bring me affirmation. like a sign from God giving me a thumbs up or something. Which would be awesome. But God doesnt need to show me he is using me... he doesnt need to use me at all. Because i am broken and gross and unworthy. I am glad that whatever he is choosing to do, he is making completely obvious that its because he wants to do it, on his time... not because i followed all the right steps and am "godly" enough to go about it the right way.

But sometimes it would be nice from a fleshly stand point to see a little fruit. because if God is choosing not to use me because my heart is not right, i wanna know without a shadow of a doubt. i want conviction to smack me in the face. I dont want to do anything in Gods name that isnt God ordained at all. That scares the pooh out of me!

Anyway, i need to make my relationship with God, between just me and God. He is the only standard. He is also the only person i need to look to for approval and affirmation. Maybe the Lord makes it hard for me to get close to people because he knows how easy it is for me to be dependent on them. God is so good and loving. He knows whats best even if my flesh desires fellowship and community. Its hard because community is biblical, vital even. but if its with the wrong intent then its worthless. So i feel like a failure if i cant build these really strong relationships with people, because i think if i were good enough i could do this and make it work. also because the world tells me if i dont have all these wonderful friends i am nothing. but God wants me to only need him. its when i dont feel i need to look outside of him for approval that he will give it to me. i guess i just need to really evaluate my intentions in everything lately... ministry, fellowship, and even, as difficult as it may be, relationships. God needs to be my everything!

PS. how can i believe that God is calling me to some sort of mission work or ministry for a lifetime if i cant even truly share the gospel now after like fifty billion opportunities?! What am i doing?!

Choices?

The Lord gives us the desires of our hearts, but our desires might not always be in line with His desires. How do you distinguish your own desires from His will? How can you make the decision that something that would clearly be of eternal worth in benefitting His kingdom is not what His will is for your life?

Someone told me that you often have to take a step of faith and hope that is where God is leading, especially if it is a step to go and serve Him. That same person told me that a willing heart is enough of a sign that it is Gods will, at least in the context of ministry. But what if God is telling me not to go.

How can i possibly make the decision in good conscience that God does not want me to go and share His gospel to the nations? Whywould He not want me to do that?