so yea, i hate it how easily the awesome things of God become routine and old news. we are so fickle. Ugh, i hate falling into my comfort zone, and i especially hate how long it takes for me to realize that is just what i have been doing. I was talking to my mom today and i was telling her how i was so frustrated because there are all these things i feel passionate about but yet my actions dont really portray it. she reminded me of the verse "my heart is willing but my flesh is weak." thats exactly how i feel. also the passage paul wrote describing how he does exactly what he hates, but what he loves he does not do. Ugh! so frustrating. i suck. but its so easy to make excuses. Sometimes i let myself believe the lie that it is enough just to be passionate (but is it really even passion if there is no action behind it anyway). That God knows the desires of my heart and he is cool with it. Even though i suck, God is gracious and will let it slide because he will help me do better next time. That is NOT an excuse! however, we are weak and broken vessels but we are not supposed to live in guilt and shame. the line between spiritual conviction and fleshly shame is so thin. Sometimes i give up trying to figure it out.

lately i have been trying to figure out where this apathy is coming from. its like i remember what God was showing me a few weeks ago and i want to feel that passion again. i go through the motions trying to spark what was there before but something in my heart just isnt engaging! i feel like such a hypocrite. and i realize that something isnt right so it makes me feel like even more of a fraud.

i got a little insight on my attitude tonight. A few weeks ago everyone was talking about all that God was doing on campus. It seemed like things were all falling together. i was learning a lot in chuch and biblestudy. i was having to rely on God in a lot of ways. and then i felt like God was using me and entrusting me with a pat of his ministry as all these opportunities started to come up to interact with girls and share gods love with them. it was scary and awesome and i felt like there was so much potential there. I guess at first it all seems so new and exciting. its easy to see what God is doing and how miraculous and gracious it is because you havent seen it that way in so long. but after a couple of weeks with no huge mountain top Successes (from a fleshly standpoint) the newness wears off, the opportunities get monotonous(which is ridiculous! but we are human i guess) and discouragement sets in. I start to question if i am in the right place with God because i am not seeing the immediate success i want ( totally putting God in a box) and i feel like i am doing something wrong. Then when i cant figure it out or fix it i feel like a failure. Like the girls that were so interested in biblestudy keep missing days, and the girls i did solarium with didnt just jump on the band wagon and see the light right away. I know that i need to be persistent and that gets overwhelming because i begin to wonder if it will ever happen or if i am just wasting my time, and then i get lazy. the problem is i am stubborn. Plus i would rather do nothing at all, than risk failing. so i do nothing, because then i cant screw it up! Wow, i know i am limiting God, but knowing it in my head and being able to let go so my heart changes are 2 completely different things.

one of the things i have been most convicted about lately is seeing God as my standard and comparison rather than other believers. I have never been so surrounded by people so strong and passionate in there faith. i see things that i admire in everyone of them. and i see things that they have in their walk with God that i want in mine. so then i start measuring myself up to them instead of asking God how he wants our relationship to look. I see the gifts and abilites and the passions they have, and i think i dont measure up. thats an area i really struggle with...inadequacy ( and ironically enough, pride...figure that out) even in panama city, i was looking around the room during womens time and i pretty much started crying because i saw all of these Godly women that God was really using in obvious ways and i felt completely worthless in comparison. totally the enemy trying to wear me down. Praise God that He came to die for me even when i am completely helpless and of no worth to him. i cant even comprehend a love like that to be honest. Everyone had these awesome God stories and i thought, "of course you wouldnt have one... you just dont have what they have, you dont have it in you." and i think that might be a reason i havent seen any "success" in the ways i have tried to minister lately. if something awesome did happen, i would probably use it to bring me affirmation. like a sign from God giving me a thumbs up or something. Which would be awesome. But God doesnt need to show me he is using me... he doesnt need to use me at all. Because i am broken and gross and unworthy. I am glad that whatever he is choosing to do, he is making completely obvious that its because he wants to do it, on his time... not because i followed all the right steps and am "godly" enough to go about it the right way.

But sometimes it would be nice from a fleshly stand point to see a little fruit. because if God is choosing not to use me because my heart is not right, i wanna know without a shadow of a doubt. i want conviction to smack me in the face. I dont want to do anything in Gods name that isnt God ordained at all. That scares the pooh out of me!

Anyway, i need to make my relationship with God, between just me and God. He is the only standard. He is also the only person i need to look to for approval and affirmation. Maybe the Lord makes it hard for me to get close to people because he knows how easy it is for me to be dependent on them. God is so good and loving. He knows whats best even if my flesh desires fellowship and community. Its hard because community is biblical, vital even. but if its with the wrong intent then its worthless. So i feel like a failure if i cant build these really strong relationships with people, because i think if i were good enough i could do this and make it work. also because the world tells me if i dont have all these wonderful friends i am nothing. but God wants me to only need him. its when i dont feel i need to look outside of him for approval that he will give it to me. i guess i just need to really evaluate my intentions in everything lately... ministry, fellowship, and even, as difficult as it may be, relationships. God needs to be my everything!

PS. how can i believe that God is calling me to some sort of mission work or ministry for a lifetime if i cant even truly share the gospel now after like fifty billion opportunities?! What am i doing?!

Choices?

The Lord gives us the desires of our hearts, but our desires might not always be in line with His desires. How do you distinguish your own desires from His will? How can you make the decision that something that would clearly be of eternal worth in benefitting His kingdom is not what His will is for your life?

Someone told me that you often have to take a step of faith and hope that is where God is leading, especially if it is a step to go and serve Him. That same person told me that a willing heart is enough of a sign that it is Gods will, at least in the context of ministry. But what if God is telling me not to go.

How can i possibly make the decision in good conscience that God does not want me to go and share His gospel to the nations? Whywould He not want me to do that?

The best way to make God laugh is by telling him your plans... not exactly biblical but im sure its pretty legit.




"Surrender"

My hands hold safly to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be freeI know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me
You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling

I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

wondering...

so without a doubt, my love language is "words of affirmation" I need them. and unfortunately i need them constantly. It feels wrong to me. Almost selfish to desire acceptance and reassurance from others. i believe this is how God made me... but is the desire in itself sinful?

Maybe to the extent, that i let it control my moods at times and i let it control my relationship with others. it also sometimes determines myself worth...which i know should totally be found in God. That has to be a sin. It almost feels like pride as well.

But its who i am and how i am made... that cant be an excuse for everything, and i wont use it as one. but is there a balance? is it ok to desire encouragement from brothers and sisters in faith? or is it sin to look for acceptance other places than Jesus Christ?

I dont know the answer, but its just another question...

Psalms

I love the Psalms. There is always something there for whatever kinda mood im in or whatever i am going thru. It is so comforting to be able to identify so completely with the Bible :)

Psalm 86:11

Psalms 34:18

Psalm 30

Psalms 31:7-17,19-20

Psalm 62:7

Psalm 69:5-6

Be still...

Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God.

I talk to much.

"let your words be few"




Proverbs 3:7



Teach me how to live, Oh Lord Psalm 27:11a

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness week. Its important to remember how many girls our age struggle with the aspect of Self image. it not only affects them physically but it affects their relationships and interaction with others, as well as their sense of self worth and their ability to understand the unwavering, unfailing Love of our Savior :) Its not only an issue for the lost ad searching, but a constant struggle for many Christian women as well.
I wanted to post an article I found that adresses some of the lies that Women believe about themselves and the Lord, as well as biblical truth that will lead us right back into the loving arms of our Constant, steadfast, and loving Savior.
http://www.liesyoungwomenbelieve.com/index.php?id=190
http://www.liesyoungwomenbelieve.com/index.php?id=191
Remember, the best way to overcome the struggles and lies we are facing is to rely on God's truth, even if we dont completely understand it. Also, focusing on the plan that God has for us in serving the lost and expanding His kingdom is a wonderful distraction from the problems of the flesh that are ultimately of little eternal purpose. The best way to learn to love yourself is by loving others and allowing yourself to experience the complete and total love of God. Because after all, its not really about us at all. It should be all about him. :)
http://brittie-thisandthat.blogspot.com/

can you feel the mountains tremble...

is this what revival feels like?

Did you feel the mountains tremble?
Did you hear the oceans roar?
When the people rose to sing of
Jesus Christ the risen one

Did you feel the people tremble?
Did you hear the singers roar?
When the lost began to sing of
Jesus Christ the risen one

And we can see that God you're moving
A mighty river through the nations
And young and old will turn to Jesus
Fling wide your heavenly gates
Prepare the way of the risen Lord

Open up the doors and let the music play
Let the streets resound with singing
Songs that bring your hope
Songs that bring your joy
Dancers who dance upon injustice

Did you feel the darkness tremble?
When all the saints join in one song
And all the streams flow as one river
To wash away our brokeness

And here we see that God you're moving
A time of Jubilee is coming
When young and old return to Jesus
Fling wide your heavenly gates
Prepare the way of the risen Lord


I can feel God on this campus. He is working in everything. He is making himself known in the dorms and the biblestudies. So many people are being drawn to Him and to us because of Him. but even in the places where we are not, He is being talked about. Its so refreshing to remember that it isnt about us at all. Its easy to get caught up in our own little "jesus" world. to see the things He is doing in our lives. But How humbling is it to see what God is doing without our involvement at all. Its not about us, its about Him!!! To sit down at a table in the student center, and hear the people next to me having a discussion about Christ. I have no idea what prompted this mans search for the truth. He wasnt invovled in Cru and it didnt sound like he had much exposure to the Gospel at home. All my limited knowledge of the man told me was that somehow God had got his attention. How awesome is that? We must perserver because His kingdom will waitfor no one. The time is now! He is here and ready to do great things :)

Galatians 6:9 (New International Version)
9Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Matthew 9:37 (New International Version)
37Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.

Psalm 9:20 (New International Version)
20 Strike them with terror, O LORD; let the nations know they are but men. Selah

Psalm 22:27 (New International Version)
27 All the ends of the earth will remember and turn to the LORD, and all the families of the nations will bow down before him

Lord, we ask for the nations! We ask for this campus in your name. let the earth see that you are Lord and you are worthy of all praise. May not one be thrown to the side. When i walk through the heavenly gates one day, i want to see every face there as well, lifting praises to you. How powerful would that be?! Give us the desires of our heart that you would be praised.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

2. Be Thou my Wisdom, Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee, Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

3. Be Thou my battle-shield, sword for my fight,
Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight.
Thou my soul's shelter, Thou my high tower.
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

4. Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

5. High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,S
till be my vision, O ruler of all.

I love being with believers. tonight at biblestudy i was once again overwhelmed with the awesome power of God. It was amazing to just see the work of God in a tangible way. to see the way he brings people that are so different, through so many different circumstances to the same place for the same purpose. He reminded me once again of the awesome intricate strength of the body. how he gave us each our own set of strengths and weaknesses to work together to do exactly what he wants to be done? it was great to listen to angela say what she felt God had been teaching her and see the ways that it spoke to people, and then remember what ways the holy spirit works when jen is leading as well. and then to compare it to the atmosphere the holy spirit gives in stephenson. My favorite is to be doing our lesson on one side of the room and be aware of the men digging into Gods word in a totally different way only on the other side of the room. everyonce in awhile i will catch a little piece of what they are discussing and just get blown away by the soveriegnty of God. He is huge and all encompassing. just the idea that God will take what He is teaching them and what He is teaching us, even if it seems completely different, and weave it together to all fit perfectly into the plan for what he is doing here in different aspects of our campus, and to think that later he will be sending us all in our own direction out into the world just blows my mind. Our God is huge! it warms my heart that all that we are doing seperately is really joining us together in our heavenly purpose. these are my brothers and sisters! Gods world is huge but he wil send us to the outer extremities. if i never see these people again in life i will see them in heaven!!! its so beautiful. :) :)

one more random thought:
Proverbs 30:7-8
Two things I ask of you, O Lord; do not refuse me before i die:
keep falsehood and lies far from me;
give me neither poverty nor riches. but give me only my daily bread.

i want this to be the cry of my heart and to that prayer i want to add one more thing. I ask God to give us the Nations!!! May our work be not in vain, bring your people to you father :)

holy cow!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuabITeO4l8

good and scary stuff!

Hesitancy

Looking back on my growing up years, i now realize that I had no idea what a relationship with Christ looked like. I was definitely experiencing a continual sanctification, but sometimes i am ashamed at how gradual that process was. Oh well, its all in God's perfect and soveriegn timing and He used those times to teach me various things. I wouldnt change them for anything, but thinking back now i realize how much time was wasted in sin and complacency. It just makes me even more excited and thankful for all that God has taught me and How he has showed me a way out of the emptiness and uncontent lifestyle i was allowig myself to live in. What he has for me now is so much greater and more fulfilling. Looking back I was saved as a young child, but my life shows so much more of the fruit of that in the past year. sometimes i feel like such a young immature believer. but honestly I have a passion and desire to grow and mature in my faith, but i never want to lose this feeling of seeing everything through new eyes, like a child. I never want God to become old news...
So many times growing up i felt that pull from the Holy Spirit to give more of myself to the Lord. I knew there was more out there. i knew that the way i was living couldnt be everything. I was restless and discontent. I knew that i was holding back from God. I was scared. I put up a wall and only let him get so far.
I remember saying to God, I want to be sold out for you and i want to give you everything (lies!) but i dont want to look like those kind of CHristians.... you know the ones. all they talk about is god all the time. everything they do is analyzed and scrutinized to make sure that they are right with God. They were zealous and passionate. that scared me. i didnt think i could commit that much. If i gave God to much, then he would know how much i could give and he would come to expect it. if i got tired or couldnt keep it up then i would let him down, because i just couldnt live up to it. so i thought if i just gave a minimum he wouldnt notice that i was holding back. he cant expect more of me than what he knows that i am willing to give. I was putting limits on God! Gosh, how stupid. back then , it was good in my circles to act like a "christian". but never cross that line. you can be a christian to a certain extent but then you gotta pull back. we can pray for the food, make sure we all go to youth group, make sure everyone knows we dont smoke or cuss or drink. start a biblestudy at school. those were all fine and good, but dont go overboard. God is cool and everything but we dont have to talk about him all the time. People will see god in us through the way we live our lives, we dont have to talk about him. When we give advice to our friends, we have God in mind and our hearts in the right place so we dont actually have to quote him or anything. they know all the scripture anyway. dont raise your hands in church. dont get to into the songs. as long as you bring your bible to sunday school you are ok. invite people to youth group is great, you dont actually have to see what they got out of it. as long as they have fun and dont think we are like those "crazy christians".
Basically my mindset in high school was be good. live your life in a way that might point to god if you didnt read into it too hard. Dont be in the world, but dont stray so far that anyone notices. I thought if i did anything to "extreme" that nonbelievers would be intimidated and think they couldnt commit themselves that much and be turned away or discouraged, so i didnt want to be a stumbling block. or that was my excuse... like i was doing God a favor by not telling people how awesome God was. yea, that makes so much sense. unfortunatley at the time i thought it totally did.
Gosh, even typing this i feel ashamed by the lies i let myself believe. It was selfish and lazy and went completely against anything the bible taught. I was the very person i cant stand. I was luke warm and fine with it. thats what i wanted! i didnt want to have to give too much because it might be a little uncomfortable or inconvenient.
Thank God, He opened my eyes to the lies i was believing. I definitely dont have it all together yet. but He is still working. I am most thankful for the desire He has given me to truly find out who He is. I want to know!!! I am sick of serving the God i want him to be. If he was the type of God i could make up or even just understand, he would be no God worthy of serving. Its absurd to think that in anyway i would rather serve a God that was so blatantly lesser than the awesome, amazing, powerful God we all serve.
what scares me most is seeing the people that still do believe that. I hurt inside because God has allowed me to experience what i was missing and i would never go back. By Gods grace he has shown me that it is so worth it to step out in faith and trust him. I want that for them. I want that to be their desire too. I want them to see that the way they are living isnt the only way. I pray that God will show them the way he showed me. The complacency that i have experience and that many are still experiencing petrifies me, because it can easily be justified in our human hearts and can stop all of the amazing things God is trying to do. it is satans strongest weapon, especially when Christians just allow for it to happen with out acknowledging the danger that they face. it seems hopeless from a human stand point to defeat this mindset. thankfully GOd has already won that battle. He will show the world and they will all bow down.
Complacency is a daily struggle, but i thank GOd everyday that he has freed me from it. It isnt something that i will never be able to fully defeat. God already defeated it. He freed my heart to serve him more fully and in that way he freed my soul to experience the wonderful joy that he has purchased for us.
i think its funny that the very thing i was guarding myself from is what i was in reality living in. i wanted to free myself from the bondage of Gods lofty expectations because i thought it would bring failure and dissappointment. By giving in and allowing myself to give it all to God, He has shown me that even though there is no humanly way for me to recieve victory He has won it for me so i dont have to experience that failure or that feeling of not measuring up. Because i dont. and he knows that. Its such a relief to give in to that and let him take care of it, rather than trying to live in a way that justifies it or makes up for it.

wow, i think i could keep typing forever. its another one of my posts that appears more like a book. honestly i dont think there is any logical flow to this at all. thank goodness i dont think anyone would ever really take the time to read this nonsense. but it all means a great deal to me. Praise God!!! He is good! i never want to settle for less than all he is to me!!! :)

Fellowship

Fellowship has been a recurring topic in my life recently. it seems like over the past semester, this has been discussed in biblestudy, discipleship, or daily bible readings at least once a week. i think that the lord is really trying to drive something home here. each time i read these verses i think "yea God, i know... we have been over this" but i can just hear God responding to my dense sarcasm with His own "...then why do i have to keep bringing it up."
This has always been really hard for me. its not that i dont need it or want it. there is always something stopping me, aka myself. I am an Introvert. (!, underline, bolded) i just dont know how to be social. it feels like i missed something when they were teaching that in middle school. its easier to do my own thing. I dont know if its fear, insecurity, or just plain lazy selfishness. i find it intimidating. I like environments where i feel safe and in control of the outcome. this is wrong and i know it. I have every opportunity to build relationships. i have no excuse. so why cant i do it? what makes me this way? why do i isolate myself from my surroundings.
sometimes i get so excited about doing things, and then for no apparent reason right before i go hangout with someone i will talk myself out of it, or come up with an excuse not to go. then afterwards, i feel disgusted with myself, disappointed, and guilty for letting people down. its not that i dont want to get to know them, but i just dont know how. instead of risking failure i just dont do it at all.

confessions:
-i sometimes feel guilty when i make my own contribution to a conversation
-sometimes my awkward randomness is to hide the fact that i feel completely inadequate. if i do something ridiculous on purpose its better than making a mistake on accident. why not make fun of myself first and beat everyone else to it? (this i learned from my mother)
-i sometimes make up excuses for why i cant do things
-i schedule things in advance out of fear of having to tell someone that i have nothing to do(way too vulnerable, i dont want people to feel sorry for me) major defense mechanism
-i always feel that i am somehow intruding on an otherwise fun event
-the person i lie the most to is myself
-i let my self-image and physical appearance dictate my involvement in social activities
-i honestly cannot communicate well verbally (i had an entire serious debate with my brother over text, because when i called him i literally couldnt express what i wanted to say)
-phone calls make me anxious... i hate talking on the phone
-the statement in a conversation that terrifies me most is "so i feel like i have been doing all the talking...how are you?" how do i respond to this? do they really care that much? what do i feel comfortable telling them... because i dont want them to be bored?

i feel like if i let someone get close enough to know me, they are eventually going to see me for who i really am and realize its not really worth the effort. i dont know where this came from. i dont think there were any huge dramatic events in my childhood to make me think this way. my parents were loving and supportive and always told me how special i was. my friends were a fairly stable part of my life. And most of all, I was raised in an environment that constantly reminded me that God loved me no matter what. so why cant i let those truths go from my head to my heart. i know them, but i dont really feel them sometimes.

I know full well that these are just lies that satan uses to knock us down. God calls us to fellowship with others and by not doing that i am in direct violation of Gods will. In this satan is winning if even for just a little bit. I dont want him to win. I want to change this.

at one point, i was having a hard time and i called my mom to talk about it. she asked if there was someone here that i could talk to just to get some encouragement. i couldnt think of anyone. not that there arent any great, amazing, loving people here. but there wasnt anyone who i felt i could burden with my troubles. it wasnt a big deal anyway. its not that they wouldnt have listened, but why should i make them listen to it. ridiculous.

I guess if i am honest, i was always the person who people came to when they were going through stuff. this sounds so great or whatever, but most of the time they didnt really want my opinion they just wanted to talk. so in the end, it didnt matter what i said unless i said what they wanted to hear. so i did. what did it matter? maybe this conditioned me to think that nobody really cared about what i thought or what i was going through. it wasnt too significant. In this way, if i came to someone to be vulnerable it disrupted the srong facade i had to have that made people comfortable coming to me. If i appeared anything other than to have it all together, they might not want to come to me anymore. and in these situations, my friends only came to me when they needed an ear to listen. so if they didnt come to me for that then they didnt come to me at all. I would rather have a little shallow interaction than nothing at all.

this affected me more than i realized until now. since no one ever wanted anything from me, i learned to not give it. and now, even if anyone wanted anything from me i honestly dont know how to give it. and a real relationship is give/take. How can i build relationships with people if they dont think i can trust them with what i really think or what i am going through? or for that matter, who i really am? that wont last... eventually it will fade and i will make it into one more reason why not to get involved the next time. it always leads to disappointment.

this makes me sound super emo and depressed. i am not! lets make that clear. but i am processing through why i am the way i am. these are all just excuses i know. ultimately i have the power to change it, if i give it to God. i am letting satan win. but sometimes i just dont know how to fight back. or i dont know im in the middle of a battle until its already lost.

i guess, i just have to let God teach me how to trust and how to build relationships. i have to trust him that in being vulnerable with people that its all gonna work out for the good... hopefully His good. I am learning... its slow. but i think i am being more vulnerable with myself and God lately. that is a step. It cant only get better. let me say i am the queen of denial! its a defense mechanism and a way of life.

But I want true Godly fellowship. i have experienced my share of it in the past year. I honestly can say that i didnt know what it was like until then. and now i desire that fellowship and vulnerablility. even that is a step in the right direction. i have every confidence that God can show me how to change this area of my life. He is already victorious. the fact that he keeps bringing it up is encouragement. if there was no way out he wouldnt keep reminding me of something that i had no opporunity of ever being free from. But in him i will get there. i just wish i hadnt missed out on so much along the way. but even in that God is sovereign. There is always a reason. He is Good! <3

Your Type is ISTJ
Introverted
Sensing
Thinking
Judging
Strength of the preferences %
67
1
1
67

The one word that best describes Inspectors is superdependable. Whether at home or at work, Inspectors are extraordinarily persevering and dutiful, particularly when it comes to keeping an eye on the people and products they are responsible for. In their quiet way, Inspectors see to it that rules are followed, laws are respected, and standards are upheld.
Inspectors (as much as ten percent of the general population) are the true guardians of institutions. They are patient with their work and with the procedures within an institution, although not always with the unauthorized behavior of some people in that institution. Responsible to the core, Inspectors like it when people know their duties, follow the guidelines, and operate within the rules. For their part, Inspectors will see to it that goods are examined and schedules are kept, that resources will be up to standards and delivered when and where they are supposed to be. And they would prefer that everyone be this dependable. Inspectors can be hard-nosed about the need for following the rules in the workplace, and do not hesitate to report irregularities to the proper authorities. Because of this they are often misjudged as being hard-hearted, or as having ice in their veins, for people fail to see their good intentions and their vulnerability to criticism. Also, because Inspectors usually make their inspections without much flourish or fanfare, the dedication they bring to their work can go unnoticed and unappreciated.
While not as talkative as Supervisor Guardians [ESTJs], Inspectors are still highly sociable, and are likely to be involved in community service organizations, such as Sunday School, Little League, or Boy and Girl Scouting, that transmit traditional values to the young. Like all Guardians, Inspectors hold dear their family social ceremonies-weddings, birthdays, and anniversaries - although they tend to be shy if the occasion becomes too large or too public. Generally speaking, Inspectors are not comfortable with anything that gets too fancy. Their words tend to be plain and down-to-earth, not showy or high-flown; their clothes are often simple and conservative rather than of the latest fashion; and their home and work environments are usually neat, orderly, and traditional, rather than trendy or ostentatious. As for personal property, they usually choose standard items over models loaded with features, and they often try to find classics and antiques - Inspectors prefer the old-fashioned to the newfangled every time.
Queen Elizabeth II, Harry S. Truman, Warren Buffet, Queen Victoria, James K. Polk, and J.D. Rockefeller are examples of Inspector Guardians.

Carried away

My dad was never horribly emotional growing up, but he was a great spiritual leader. Everyonce in awhile, he will send me something that touched his heart, as some encouragement or as a small reminder of God's love for me... and his. I love these. this is something that He sent me this morning. Its so beautiful. :)
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Just a reminder when we look at the world around us that
we were all broken in God’s eyes when we came to him.
Even tho we don’t deserve his love, thru grace he gave it
to us.


Leeland - Carried To The Table :

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord

I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord
Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my
I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name

In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me

reality check

you know how every once in awhile you just totally have this epiphany and you somehow just understand something in a completely different way.
one day i was talking to someone. they made a comment and i got kind of defensive about it (not outwardly of course) but made a light hearted attempt to justify it to them. all under the disguise of a joke. then they said something that stopped me in my tracks.

That person thought for a second and said, "you know, that doesnt make you weak."
it was like a light went on. thats why i react to things the way i do. I cant stand to appear weak.

i mean all it took was a little critcism in a friendly conversation to get my back up. It was a light hearted blow to my pride and even though it really meant nothing, i felt i had to jump to defend myself. heaven forbid even for a second, i would appear to be anything less than completely competant and together in someone elses eyes.

the funny thing is that no matter how much i try to have it together, i am just masking the fact that i truly am weak. we all are! its why we have such a ned for a savior. I mean hasnt that what people have been trying to tell us since we were kids. Jesus loves me-"i am weak but he is strong". its the first thing we can say when we are babies after mom, dad, and hungry. why does it take us so long to get it. if i try to appear any other way, i am lying to everyone maybe even myself. and i am not glorifying God. i keep going back to 2 corinthians 12:9. His strength is made great in our WEAKNESS. its NOT a bad thing! its why he came. He already knows we suck. No suprise there.
we just have to learn to be honest with HIm about it, as well as others and ourselves. Each weakness is there for a reason. To be an example of what God is capable of doing.

This is also the exact reason why nonbelievers see us Christians as hypocrites. we down play our faults and struggles and try to pretend like we do everything right all the time and have all the answers. well we aint fooling anyone.

Its just so hard to be vulnerable.

anyway, Just so everyone knows.... i am weak! i dont have it all together.
I am prideful.
I lie.
I am lazy and apathetic.
I care more about what other people think than what God does.
I sin blatantly knowing I am hurting God.
... and sometimes it doesnt bother me that much.
I am selfish.
I am not compassionate or loving.
I make idols.

And God loves me anyway! :)
and He is constantly disciplining me, and correcting and refining me. He is sanctifying me.
He knew about it when He died and He did it anyway.

As Pastor James McDonald always says... God doesnt expect us to be perfectly sinless or righteous, but he does expect us to be increasingly sinless and righteous.

its all part of the process. We are a work in progress.

Phillipians 1:6
6being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Super chick lyrics... they take me back

Sometimes i forget how those old corny songs from high school really do just describe what you feel like. its a little cliche but i love this song :)



It's not like they meant to hurt me

Watching TV, checking Britney, televised, my guys

Checking out her thighs and I roll my eyes and sigh

It's not like I even need to be competing with unreality TV, fantasy
Not for a smart girl like me

Some days it's hard to be a one girl revolution



[Chorus:]Sometimes I have good days and it's good to be me

Sometimes I get the best of insecurity

And it's quite alright to be the one and only

But today I feel like the one and lonely

It's not that I don't know beauty is only skin deep

Just the skin I'm in, not the girl within

But one imperfection takes away my grin,Not that I think I'm ugly, but

Acne throws me for a backslide

I won't go outside

Makeup can't hide how I feel inside

Some days it's hard to be a one girl revolution



[Chorus]Oh, the one and lonely

We all have bad hair

nothing good about me days

Just keep moving on cause they'll be gon

eAnd we'll still be here going on

We have our yesterdays

No lunch cause the jeans don't fit days

Just keep moving on cause they'll be gone

And we'll still be here going on



[Chorus 2:]Sometimes I have bad days and it's hard to be me,

Sometimes I get brought down by insecurity

And I have my days where I'm the one and lonely

But today I choose to be the one and onlyYeah, I'm the one and only

When I am weak...

Wow, today was a trip. i mean it really kicked me in the butt and i dont know why... This week was so much better. not perfect but i really feel like things were falling into place. God was moving and he was teaching me so much. i felt like i was finally getting it, like i was getting my feet under me again and adapting. when you least expect it, or least want it, Satan knows just what to do to knock the wind right out of you again. i mean i thought things were going ok. i thought i had finally dealt with it and given up to God. I had my moments but they were so much less paralyzing. ok, fine... looking back over the last few weeks i guess i should have seen it coming. the flare ups had been pretty extreme but they had been so much less consuming. maybe i was just in denial. or maybe my heart was becoming hard to it :( thats a scary thought! but one little trigger and i cant even function. and the funny thing is how it doesnt just affect that area or my life, it makes me question everything. its the reason why i feel so lonely, its the reason why i dont pursue relationships. It keeps me from stepping out in faith. it keeps me from seeing my worth, not just to others but to God. Even just merely taking up my thoughts so that i am distracted from meditating on Gods plan. Its ridiculous how i let it consume me. In the span of 5 minutes, something so trivial wth no eternal importance has me reduced to a selfish pile of tears and self pity, shrinking back from all that i have worked so hard for. that is all it took for me to decide i couldnt go on a missions trip to panama. i was sure of it! and if i backed out for that reason i would be such a hypocrite. All my talk of serving God and sacraficing for him, because Jesus and his disciples didnt need a break and we are supposed to be like him... but this one little (completely selfish) issue and im ready to head for the hills and give up?!?! im ashamed of myself.
im so prideful... in the back of my mind i think that nothing like this will happen to me. I think somehow i am immune to the tricks of satan. that i am strong enough to not give in to these little games he plays. well, that is completely a big fat huge lie. I sit here and judge everyone else, telling themexactly how to handle there problems and afflictions thinking i have all the answers. ten this comes along and i know exactly how i should be handling it, but do i even consider it for a second. no! i just sit here think "oh poor me, this is so hard" of course it is. Jesus always said there would be trials. it was never supposed to be easy! but do i let hm fix it... nope. i just hold onto it and wonder why it wont go away.
i guess i just always assumed that those trials would be outward. Societies persecution. i didnt realize they could come straight from with in. I never thought that satan would take the time to worry with poor little insignificant me. how arrogant, and ignorant, and prideful, and defeatist. just because i dont always believe the promises god tells me about my worth in his eyes, doesnt make it untrue. and it also doesnt mean that satan wont use that as an excuse to attack when i let my guard down. and i did. i thought i had it enough togethere to deal. well, i didnt.
it hurt, but it was definitely humbling. I didnt like it, but it taught me alot. it brought me back to my place... which is completely on my knees at the throne of God. i am not worthy to stand in his presence but it is the only place i can be. i am too broken to do it on my own. Jesus is the only person who can save me from these attacks. Thank God! I am saved my a gracious and merciful creator. He has already won the Victory over my heart. He has already conquered this sin that keeps creeping in. and even if i dont have relief from it here on earth, one day in heaven i will be able to stand with out this burden. He is helping me carry it. and he is taking the weight when i cant handle it anymore. i hate the sin, but i am glad for the lessen it is teaching me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
I am so Weak! but He is infinitely strong :)

affirmation (this one is for you boys)

sometimes you just need some encouragement. its hard for me to realize that i do care about what other people think. I need some positive feedback sometimes to let me know that i am heading in the right direction. dont get me wrong, i know that my ultimate approval has to come from God, but its good to hear verbally from fellow christian who you can trust. I think especially for girls this is important. Its just nice to feel appreciated. I feel selfish when i have these desires. i know that i dont deserve any sort of affirmation because as a human i can boast in nothing. every good thing is gods glory working thru me and all the bad comes from my own human worldly nature. i in no way earn any sort of approval or a pat on the back. The issue of confidence and self esteem is a real struggle for me. i am always doubting myself. physically and in the way i interact with people. i just always feel like i dont get it quite right. this summer i was so surrounded by people who understood my struggle and went out of there way to encourage me in them and show Gods love to me thru them. it was so encouraging. Especially with boys. i have no desire for a boyfriend or intimate relationship right now in a romantic sense. but as a female i have an internal need for approval and companionship from a male. so when i feel like i dont even register on the radar of some men its a blow to the self esteem. when boys dont make an effort to form friendships with me it makes me feel unworthy. it is the same with girls, but it is magnified in my male friendships. its ridiculous how just a simple compliment, conversation, or acknowledgment can make all the difference. its almost embarrassing. i thought that as i got older i would grow out of it, or as i grew in my walk with the lord it would just go away, but thats not entirely true. its not that i go out of my way to get attention but there is always that need for some sort of appreciation. when i dont get it its easy for me to feel like i dont measure up, and weirdly enough that normally transfers into how i view my physical appearance. Sadly that is a major point of interest in men. somewhere inside my head i believe the lie that even if i was a complete idiot, if i were pretty i would get the attention i crave. how ridiculous?!?! and embarrassing! but true all the same. and in our culture, especially in the world that is just reinforced more and more. unfortunately christian circles arent immune to it either. its an endless cycle... if a guy show interest in me as a person, i am slow to trust the validity of the interest because i always wonder if its the true me that he sees or if he is just being shallow and interested because im "not bad looking". that makes me all that more guarded when it comes to my real personality. but when a guy shows no interest i automatically assume that not only am i awkward and boring, but im ugly too. gosh, i hate being a girl. i hate the lies that i so easily believe. its not all the boys fault either. i feel bad for them. they have such an influence on so much of girls lives and they dont realize the extent. thats why it is so vital that the christian men remember to affirm their sisters in a brotherly way, so its not so tempting to seek the wrong kind of attention. Thats one thing i miss so much about my project boys. they treated us like real honest to goodness sisters. i felt so loved, protected, and appreciated. they went out of their way to make a conscious and sincere effort to let us know how special we were. not just the girls that they were interested in either, but all of us. i trust a mans intentions so much more when i see that he treats the other girls just as well as he treats me. its so attractive and encouraging. i know the boys have a lot of responsibilities but they really need to take the time to show their sisters in christ how godly women should expect to be treated. it means so much more than they think. a girl just needs a little encouragement now and then. and if you have to fish for a compliment it doesnt make you feel very good about yourself.

i should be in bed...

the only thing i hate about hanging out after cru is that sometimes it distracts me from processing thru all of the things the Holy Spirit was trying to tell me. tonight was awesome. God knows just what to say at just the right times.
I am so happy that Brad was willing to come. I feel a little like i am nagging him by asking him to do stuff all the time, but i have to. for so long in our relationship he didnt give anything, im not sure why... but that made me very hesitant to put myself out there because i was afraid that it wouldnt be returned. that is stupid and i have to get over it. we show love differently but that doesnt mean that has to change the way i show love to him. I wish we could talk more about how we feel or what we think about things. The message was so amazing tonight,perfect actually. i dont know why but i always care a lot about what he thinks. it makes me nervous when he comes to cru because i am afraid that he wont like it and that will be a reflection on me. then he wont want to come anymore and that will be a reason for us not to hangout. I really dont know why this relationship means so much to me, but it does... a lot.
Obviously there was a lot i got out of the message for myself. actually i really felt like God was answering my request for wisdom about the decisions i need to make for the summer. I felt a real peace about it. He is so faithful. but i kept hearing things that dealt directly with the issue that brad and i were discussing (arguing... whatever) about last week. its the same issues that i worry he is letting himself fall into and sit in. fear, apathy, worry, excuses. all legitimate issues, stuff that a lot of people including me have dealt with. I know about this stuff and can relate to it too. but that is why it is so important to me that he finally understands the truth behind those issues and why they are wrong. i dont want him to have to suffer in them anymore the way i did. I love him to much for that.
anyway, there is so much more that i want to process through later, probly tomorrow but its late and im exhausted. but i am still amazed at Gods sovereignty and his awesomeness. He really knows it all. His will really is better than our own. I have to trust that he has it all covered because i dont. i have to trust that he is going to work it all out because i cant. its not my job. i have to let it go. and he WILL take care of it. because as important as it is to me... it is infinitely more important to him. How amazing?! And they way he works out everything in perfect timing and perfect circumstances that we would have never been able to come up with ourselves?! we are not worthy of HIs greatness, nor do we appreciate it enough. I am glad i serve a holy and sovereign God.

wow, talk about unworthy...

God has been so good the past few days. its a wonder what can happen if you pray for him to open your eyes to his ways and stop trying to do everything yourself. it was hard and took me forever to really get a handle on. i mean, i still dont think i do it well but its paying of. God is so present here right now. i just keep seeing him work and provide, and he is doing it in a way that is painfully obvious that we do not have any part in causing it. he is just gracious enough to let us watch and lend a helping hand here and there. first of all despite my laziness and apathy, which tends to creep in when i get overwhelmed and realize that i cant handle all the stuff going on in my life (if i cant do it all, im just gonna stop trying to do anything... its easier that way) God has been faithful. I didnt prepare the way i normally feel led to for bible study the other night. truth be told i barely had had a decent time with the lord much less dug into a lesson for others. I was feeling a little convicted about it. i went to my discipleship meeting with kacy, and it was so refreshing. i love being able to read Gods word and get perspective from someone else. it took me awhile to warm up to the idea, and i am probably not yet being entirely vulnerable to the experience but it is worth it. after our talk she thought it would be good to try and do some solarium. i loved this idea and hated it at the same time. I have come to have a great passion for initiative evangelism. and the fact that i even was able to say that should give a hint to how far i have come. it is very vital in our faith, along with the other types of evangelism. having said that, i tend to like to encourage others to do it while still being completely uncomfortable with doing it myself. if i had my way i would sit in the background and serve or pray for all the others who are out there talking to people. we walked around looking for the right person to start with, and after some encounters where we felt that the spirit was not leading we sat down with a girl who was very receptive to what we were trying to do. it was perfect, she had just broken up with her boyfriend and was seeking some community and healthy relationships. also she had been raised as an atheist but had been desiring to go to church and find out more about what having a relationship with God looks like. How often does that happen?!?!?! it was totally the holy spirit preparing a time and place for us. we didnt present the gospel because neither of us are very comfortable with doing that on the first encounter, also we didnt feel God leading. but this girl who was searching is willing to find out more! oh my, GOd is good!!!

and even more, kacy gave ashley and i a name of a girl interested in coming to a bible study in stevenson. if it had been me i wouldnt have stopped right then and there to call her, i would have waited until a more convenient time. but ashley is faithful and called her right away, and she came!!! we didnt realize that she had no background besides being culturally catholic. and she was actively seeking out a biblestudy. !!! she didnt even own a bible. i felt bad because i dont think she understood what we were talking about at first and i didnt want her to get turned off, like we were cultish or something. but thats ridiculous bc we cant be ashamed of the truth of God. his words will speak for themselves and he will open her heart to what she needs to hear. but angela and ashley were faithful enough to share the KGP with her right on the spot and even though she didnt make a decision right away, she heard the truth! we did what God had us to do and its in his hands now. And he is faithful to deliver her to himself with out anymore help from us. he doesnt need us, but he lets us help! wow!!!! he is moving on this campus.

and then this morning i started a random conversation with a man i found to be a believer who wants to get plugged in with a ministry. god is amazing! even if nothing comes of these encounters God is awesome. he is teaching me more and more to be willing and available to him. I cant wait to see what he will continue to do. I hope he starts a revival on this campus and brings all to HIm. How amazing would that be! and he can!!!! i have seen what he can do if his people are faithful... but also what he can do without a bit of help from us because he is all powerful! :):)

Here it goes...

This is my first blog. I just thought it would be nice to have a place to record some of my thoughts and decisions and revelations, mostly for my own benefit. I have so much on my mind and so many things that I am learning I want a place that I can go to look at and meditate on them. It may help me get some perspective. I just find it easier to write about it than to keep it all jumbled in my head... its a scary place in there sometimes.

So right now I am really contemplating how the next semester and summer is going to look. There are so many good looking options that I dont know how to decide. I need to wait on God's wisdom but it seems like everything is up in the air at this point until i get some feedback.

First: Spring Break...
option 1. Panama City... while i have been feeling like last semester i spent way to much time trying to find my place among the campus crusaders i really feel a pull to go on the spring break trip with them. i think it is important to build my community there. I feel like last semester i was putting to much of an emphasis on fitting in and finding acceptance rather than building solid relationships. these relationships come from serving and evangelizing together which is what the panama trip is all about. Plus i really feel like i need to do some major outreach because i have been slacking big time in that lately. Plus i would really like to be an example to brad in that area.
option 2. Work half the week, to earn some much needed income... and then go visit sarah and davy in Indiana! the down side to this is i have seen them 2 times in the last month, and I worry if i hold on to those relationships to tightly it will cause me to miss out on the stuff at the present or in the future that God has for me because i am to scared of losing them. This would be a good option if i decided not to go live with sarah for the summer because i will want to see her a little more. But if i decide to live there, then i will be spending enough time with her the to make it understandable to miss that spring break time.
option 3. least favorite... go home and work at the hospital and see my family. i wont get to spend much time with them at all in the next few months. and staying home would save me money as well as giving me and opportunity to earn a little bit extra.

there are so many options. I feel like i have to decide between the responsible decision and the exciting and more fulfilling one. i know GOd is going to provide for me no matter what, especially if i am being faithful. i also realize that the idea of having a savings for a "rainy day" is not even biblical. the early church gave up all that they had to each other and God still gave them everything they could ever need. just the idea of having a savings for the future goes against the whole idea that God is faithful and will provide. But I am also supposed to be a good steward of my resources. ah, i just dont know how to find a balance. I am human and still really like the idea of having some saved up so i dont have to worry about it at the moment.

on a tangent, the idea of balance has always been a struggle for me. I am a person of extremes in a sense. i feel like i either lean very hard to one side or the other and cant find a middle ground. or a balance. someone made the point the other day that Jesus Christ is supposed to be our cornerstone... or the pivetol point that everything else leans on. He provides stability and... balance. such a simple, yet very profound statement. its just that easy. the balance is Jesus!

anyway... the other decisions:

Summer:
option 1: summer project. i had pretty much decided that i didnt want to go on a project again so soon. but because of some conviction and lack of any better options i went ahead and applied. not only did i apply, but i went to the extreme( for me) and applied for an international project. not at all practical, because it is more expensive(minor detail because it is all support raised) and i wont be able to get a job or earn any money during that time. it was perfect, bc it was exactly what i wanted to do in terms of the mission, and it is only 5 weeks so i could go ahead and get a job (hospital again or just transfer locations with panera so i didnt have to go thru all the stress of training at a new job... not exactly worth it) or if i was gonna be completely irresponsible, it would give me time to go on vacation with my family, or go to work at disney with sarah and go to visit sarah erickson when she gets back from africa. then i wouldnt be able to get a job at all and i would be spending soooo much money but i would be spending time with people i dearly love... i think the trade is worth it! maybe...

option 2: move to indiana, get a job, and live with sarah. this is practical bc i get to see people i dearly love and i am working to make money. i am not home but im not on project and just living to earn a living. i like it. there are other reason it would be nice that i dont quite feel free enough to talk about here even if i know no one reads it. the only thing is i would not go on project and i would be paying a lot of rent for just 3 months. would i really make that much money? would it be worth giving up mexico and some family time...

option 3: do both... not practical at all. i probably wouldnt even make enough to cover rent and by the time i do everything else i want to do i wouldnt get to spend much time there. i also probably wouldnt be able to find a job from july 5 to the middle of august. they could find someone to rent the house for the whole summer and make more money. and i wouldnt get to see my family at all.

then there is the combination of spring break and summer i feel like i need to consider. if im going on project i probably should work over spring break and see sarah and davy since i would be missing out on both of those in the summer. but i would be missing the relationship building with cru. and vice versa... if im going to be living with sarah i dont need to see her over spring break, and should go ahead and take the opportunity to go on the missions trip... bc i love the idea of mission trips and there purpose and i would be devestated if i didnt get the opportunity to experience one this year. I am positive that GOd is calling me to serve Him away from home in some capacity but i just dont know which location he is leading.

i over think everything way to much. at this point im a little overwhelmed but im just processing. i know its too early to worry too much and God always shows me clearly eventually ( in his time not mine) but i feel like its not that far away and the decision i make with in the next couple of weeks will determine all the rest of my decisions and plans. no pressure!

but i know that, too, is ridiculous. gods ways are not our own, thank goodness! i live for what is logical and practical, but GOd is neither. He is bigger than human logic and thrives when we are outside of what we think is humanly possible because He is glorified. If He tells me to spend all my money and do nothing practical and stay at college for a million extra semesters and live in a box it would be great because he is amazing.... ok that is an exaggeration. at this point im just typing and not thinking... and my human self would be completely freaking out if that were the case but i know in my heart it would still be amazing... God would definetly have to teach me trust him and it would be uncomfortable. but thats ok because thats what i need. i like to be comfortable way too much, and it makes me sad how easily i fall into the comfort zone that i despise! its such a love hate relationship.

but i cant wait for what God does and tells me to do and uses me for and teaches me! it will be amazing... He is sovereign and amazing and His plans are perfect. i cant believe i am even trying to plan out the next few months bc everything that has ever happened in the past has taught me that doesnt work. And it is always amazing!
i am a slow learner sometimes, but he loves me for it anyway... how lucky am i! and he loves me enough that he keeps giving me chances and opportunities to teach me how to change it and lean more on him in faith. i serve a loving God. i dont deserve anything he gives me but he provides more and more all the time! :) wow, he is even teaching me right now :)

more updates soon...

Ps. just to show how human plans dont quite ever go how you logically expect them... right now when i have absolutely nothing to keep me from working more hours to save up for theses coming weeks when i wont be able to work, i am schedule for 5 hours this week! and when i have plans i will probably be schedule for 50... jk! but isnt that just how it goes...