affirmation (this one is for you boys)

sometimes you just need some encouragement. its hard for me to realize that i do care about what other people think. I need some positive feedback sometimes to let me know that i am heading in the right direction. dont get me wrong, i know that my ultimate approval has to come from God, but its good to hear verbally from fellow christian who you can trust. I think especially for girls this is important. Its just nice to feel appreciated. I feel selfish when i have these desires. i know that i dont deserve any sort of affirmation because as a human i can boast in nothing. every good thing is gods glory working thru me and all the bad comes from my own human worldly nature. i in no way earn any sort of approval or a pat on the back. The issue of confidence and self esteem is a real struggle for me. i am always doubting myself. physically and in the way i interact with people. i just always feel like i dont get it quite right. this summer i was so surrounded by people who understood my struggle and went out of there way to encourage me in them and show Gods love to me thru them. it was so encouraging. Especially with boys. i have no desire for a boyfriend or intimate relationship right now in a romantic sense. but as a female i have an internal need for approval and companionship from a male. so when i feel like i dont even register on the radar of some men its a blow to the self esteem. when boys dont make an effort to form friendships with me it makes me feel unworthy. it is the same with girls, but it is magnified in my male friendships. its ridiculous how just a simple compliment, conversation, or acknowledgment can make all the difference. its almost embarrassing. i thought that as i got older i would grow out of it, or as i grew in my walk with the lord it would just go away, but thats not entirely true. its not that i go out of my way to get attention but there is always that need for some sort of appreciation. when i dont get it its easy for me to feel like i dont measure up, and weirdly enough that normally transfers into how i view my physical appearance. Sadly that is a major point of interest in men. somewhere inside my head i believe the lie that even if i was a complete idiot, if i were pretty i would get the attention i crave. how ridiculous?!?! and embarrassing! but true all the same. and in our culture, especially in the world that is just reinforced more and more. unfortunately christian circles arent immune to it either. its an endless cycle... if a guy show interest in me as a person, i am slow to trust the validity of the interest because i always wonder if its the true me that he sees or if he is just being shallow and interested because im "not bad looking". that makes me all that more guarded when it comes to my real personality. but when a guy shows no interest i automatically assume that not only am i awkward and boring, but im ugly too. gosh, i hate being a girl. i hate the lies that i so easily believe. its not all the boys fault either. i feel bad for them. they have such an influence on so much of girls lives and they dont realize the extent. thats why it is so vital that the christian men remember to affirm their sisters in a brotherly way, so its not so tempting to seek the wrong kind of attention. Thats one thing i miss so much about my project boys. they treated us like real honest to goodness sisters. i felt so loved, protected, and appreciated. they went out of their way to make a conscious and sincere effort to let us know how special we were. not just the girls that they were interested in either, but all of us. i trust a mans intentions so much more when i see that he treats the other girls just as well as he treats me. its so attractive and encouraging. i know the boys have a lot of responsibilities but they really need to take the time to show their sisters in christ how godly women should expect to be treated. it means so much more than they think. a girl just needs a little encouragement now and then. and if you have to fish for a compliment it doesnt make you feel very good about yourself.