Here it goes...

This is my first blog. I just thought it would be nice to have a place to record some of my thoughts and decisions and revelations, mostly for my own benefit. I have so much on my mind and so many things that I am learning I want a place that I can go to look at and meditate on them. It may help me get some perspective. I just find it easier to write about it than to keep it all jumbled in my head... its a scary place in there sometimes.

So right now I am really contemplating how the next semester and summer is going to look. There are so many good looking options that I dont know how to decide. I need to wait on God's wisdom but it seems like everything is up in the air at this point until i get some feedback.

First: Spring Break...
option 1. Panama City... while i have been feeling like last semester i spent way to much time trying to find my place among the campus crusaders i really feel a pull to go on the spring break trip with them. i think it is important to build my community there. I feel like last semester i was putting to much of an emphasis on fitting in and finding acceptance rather than building solid relationships. these relationships come from serving and evangelizing together which is what the panama trip is all about. Plus i really feel like i need to do some major outreach because i have been slacking big time in that lately. Plus i would really like to be an example to brad in that area.
option 2. Work half the week, to earn some much needed income... and then go visit sarah and davy in Indiana! the down side to this is i have seen them 2 times in the last month, and I worry if i hold on to those relationships to tightly it will cause me to miss out on the stuff at the present or in the future that God has for me because i am to scared of losing them. This would be a good option if i decided not to go live with sarah for the summer because i will want to see her a little more. But if i decide to live there, then i will be spending enough time with her the to make it understandable to miss that spring break time.
option 3. least favorite... go home and work at the hospital and see my family. i wont get to spend much time with them at all in the next few months. and staying home would save me money as well as giving me and opportunity to earn a little bit extra.

there are so many options. I feel like i have to decide between the responsible decision and the exciting and more fulfilling one. i know GOd is going to provide for me no matter what, especially if i am being faithful. i also realize that the idea of having a savings for a "rainy day" is not even biblical. the early church gave up all that they had to each other and God still gave them everything they could ever need. just the idea of having a savings for the future goes against the whole idea that God is faithful and will provide. But I am also supposed to be a good steward of my resources. ah, i just dont know how to find a balance. I am human and still really like the idea of having some saved up so i dont have to worry about it at the moment.

on a tangent, the idea of balance has always been a struggle for me. I am a person of extremes in a sense. i feel like i either lean very hard to one side or the other and cant find a middle ground. or a balance. someone made the point the other day that Jesus Christ is supposed to be our cornerstone... or the pivetol point that everything else leans on. He provides stability and... balance. such a simple, yet very profound statement. its just that easy. the balance is Jesus!

anyway... the other decisions:

Summer:
option 1: summer project. i had pretty much decided that i didnt want to go on a project again so soon. but because of some conviction and lack of any better options i went ahead and applied. not only did i apply, but i went to the extreme( for me) and applied for an international project. not at all practical, because it is more expensive(minor detail because it is all support raised) and i wont be able to get a job or earn any money during that time. it was perfect, bc it was exactly what i wanted to do in terms of the mission, and it is only 5 weeks so i could go ahead and get a job (hospital again or just transfer locations with panera so i didnt have to go thru all the stress of training at a new job... not exactly worth it) or if i was gonna be completely irresponsible, it would give me time to go on vacation with my family, or go to work at disney with sarah and go to visit sarah erickson when she gets back from africa. then i wouldnt be able to get a job at all and i would be spending soooo much money but i would be spending time with people i dearly love... i think the trade is worth it! maybe...

option 2: move to indiana, get a job, and live with sarah. this is practical bc i get to see people i dearly love and i am working to make money. i am not home but im not on project and just living to earn a living. i like it. there are other reason it would be nice that i dont quite feel free enough to talk about here even if i know no one reads it. the only thing is i would not go on project and i would be paying a lot of rent for just 3 months. would i really make that much money? would it be worth giving up mexico and some family time...

option 3: do both... not practical at all. i probably wouldnt even make enough to cover rent and by the time i do everything else i want to do i wouldnt get to spend much time there. i also probably wouldnt be able to find a job from july 5 to the middle of august. they could find someone to rent the house for the whole summer and make more money. and i wouldnt get to see my family at all.

then there is the combination of spring break and summer i feel like i need to consider. if im going on project i probably should work over spring break and see sarah and davy since i would be missing out on both of those in the summer. but i would be missing the relationship building with cru. and vice versa... if im going to be living with sarah i dont need to see her over spring break, and should go ahead and take the opportunity to go on the missions trip... bc i love the idea of mission trips and there purpose and i would be devestated if i didnt get the opportunity to experience one this year. I am positive that GOd is calling me to serve Him away from home in some capacity but i just dont know which location he is leading.

i over think everything way to much. at this point im a little overwhelmed but im just processing. i know its too early to worry too much and God always shows me clearly eventually ( in his time not mine) but i feel like its not that far away and the decision i make with in the next couple of weeks will determine all the rest of my decisions and plans. no pressure!

but i know that, too, is ridiculous. gods ways are not our own, thank goodness! i live for what is logical and practical, but GOd is neither. He is bigger than human logic and thrives when we are outside of what we think is humanly possible because He is glorified. If He tells me to spend all my money and do nothing practical and stay at college for a million extra semesters and live in a box it would be great because he is amazing.... ok that is an exaggeration. at this point im just typing and not thinking... and my human self would be completely freaking out if that were the case but i know in my heart it would still be amazing... God would definetly have to teach me trust him and it would be uncomfortable. but thats ok because thats what i need. i like to be comfortable way too much, and it makes me sad how easily i fall into the comfort zone that i despise! its such a love hate relationship.

but i cant wait for what God does and tells me to do and uses me for and teaches me! it will be amazing... He is sovereign and amazing and His plans are perfect. i cant believe i am even trying to plan out the next few months bc everything that has ever happened in the past has taught me that doesnt work. And it is always amazing!
i am a slow learner sometimes, but he loves me for it anyway... how lucky am i! and he loves me enough that he keeps giving me chances and opportunities to teach me how to change it and lean more on him in faith. i serve a loving God. i dont deserve anything he gives me but he provides more and more all the time! :) wow, he is even teaching me right now :)

more updates soon...

Ps. just to show how human plans dont quite ever go how you logically expect them... right now when i have absolutely nothing to keep me from working more hours to save up for theses coming weeks when i wont be able to work, i am schedule for 5 hours this week! and when i have plans i will probably be schedule for 50... jk! but isnt that just how it goes...