When I am weak...

Wow, today was a trip. i mean it really kicked me in the butt and i dont know why... This week was so much better. not perfect but i really feel like things were falling into place. God was moving and he was teaching me so much. i felt like i was finally getting it, like i was getting my feet under me again and adapting. when you least expect it, or least want it, Satan knows just what to do to knock the wind right out of you again. i mean i thought things were going ok. i thought i had finally dealt with it and given up to God. I had my moments but they were so much less paralyzing. ok, fine... looking back over the last few weeks i guess i should have seen it coming. the flare ups had been pretty extreme but they had been so much less consuming. maybe i was just in denial. or maybe my heart was becoming hard to it :( thats a scary thought! but one little trigger and i cant even function. and the funny thing is how it doesnt just affect that area or my life, it makes me question everything. its the reason why i feel so lonely, its the reason why i dont pursue relationships. It keeps me from stepping out in faith. it keeps me from seeing my worth, not just to others but to God. Even just merely taking up my thoughts so that i am distracted from meditating on Gods plan. Its ridiculous how i let it consume me. In the span of 5 minutes, something so trivial wth no eternal importance has me reduced to a selfish pile of tears and self pity, shrinking back from all that i have worked so hard for. that is all it took for me to decide i couldnt go on a missions trip to panama. i was sure of it! and if i backed out for that reason i would be such a hypocrite. All my talk of serving God and sacraficing for him, because Jesus and his disciples didnt need a break and we are supposed to be like him... but this one little (completely selfish) issue and im ready to head for the hills and give up?!?! im ashamed of myself.
im so prideful... in the back of my mind i think that nothing like this will happen to me. I think somehow i am immune to the tricks of satan. that i am strong enough to not give in to these little games he plays. well, that is completely a big fat huge lie. I sit here and judge everyone else, telling themexactly how to handle there problems and afflictions thinking i have all the answers. ten this comes along and i know exactly how i should be handling it, but do i even consider it for a second. no! i just sit here think "oh poor me, this is so hard" of course it is. Jesus always said there would be trials. it was never supposed to be easy! but do i let hm fix it... nope. i just hold onto it and wonder why it wont go away.
i guess i just always assumed that those trials would be outward. Societies persecution. i didnt realize they could come straight from with in. I never thought that satan would take the time to worry with poor little insignificant me. how arrogant, and ignorant, and prideful, and defeatist. just because i dont always believe the promises god tells me about my worth in his eyes, doesnt make it untrue. and it also doesnt mean that satan wont use that as an excuse to attack when i let my guard down. and i did. i thought i had it enough togethere to deal. well, i didnt.
it hurt, but it was definitely humbling. I didnt like it, but it taught me alot. it brought me back to my place... which is completely on my knees at the throne of God. i am not worthy to stand in his presence but it is the only place i can be. i am too broken to do it on my own. Jesus is the only person who can save me from these attacks. Thank God! I am saved my a gracious and merciful creator. He has already won the Victory over my heart. He has already conquered this sin that keeps creeping in. and even if i dont have relief from it here on earth, one day in heaven i will be able to stand with out this burden. He is helping me carry it. and he is taking the weight when i cant handle it anymore. i hate the sin, but i am glad for the lessen it is teaching me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
I am so Weak! but He is infinitely strong :)