Fellowship

Fellowship has been a recurring topic in my life recently. it seems like over the past semester, this has been discussed in biblestudy, discipleship, or daily bible readings at least once a week. i think that the lord is really trying to drive something home here. each time i read these verses i think "yea God, i know... we have been over this" but i can just hear God responding to my dense sarcasm with His own "...then why do i have to keep bringing it up."
This has always been really hard for me. its not that i dont need it or want it. there is always something stopping me, aka myself. I am an Introvert. (!, underline, bolded) i just dont know how to be social. it feels like i missed something when they were teaching that in middle school. its easier to do my own thing. I dont know if its fear, insecurity, or just plain lazy selfishness. i find it intimidating. I like environments where i feel safe and in control of the outcome. this is wrong and i know it. I have every opportunity to build relationships. i have no excuse. so why cant i do it? what makes me this way? why do i isolate myself from my surroundings.
sometimes i get so excited about doing things, and then for no apparent reason right before i go hangout with someone i will talk myself out of it, or come up with an excuse not to go. then afterwards, i feel disgusted with myself, disappointed, and guilty for letting people down. its not that i dont want to get to know them, but i just dont know how. instead of risking failure i just dont do it at all.

confessions:
-i sometimes feel guilty when i make my own contribution to a conversation
-sometimes my awkward randomness is to hide the fact that i feel completely inadequate. if i do something ridiculous on purpose its better than making a mistake on accident. why not make fun of myself first and beat everyone else to it? (this i learned from my mother)
-i sometimes make up excuses for why i cant do things
-i schedule things in advance out of fear of having to tell someone that i have nothing to do(way too vulnerable, i dont want people to feel sorry for me) major defense mechanism
-i always feel that i am somehow intruding on an otherwise fun event
-the person i lie the most to is myself
-i let my self-image and physical appearance dictate my involvement in social activities
-i honestly cannot communicate well verbally (i had an entire serious debate with my brother over text, because when i called him i literally couldnt express what i wanted to say)
-phone calls make me anxious... i hate talking on the phone
-the statement in a conversation that terrifies me most is "so i feel like i have been doing all the talking...how are you?" how do i respond to this? do they really care that much? what do i feel comfortable telling them... because i dont want them to be bored?

i feel like if i let someone get close enough to know me, they are eventually going to see me for who i really am and realize its not really worth the effort. i dont know where this came from. i dont think there were any huge dramatic events in my childhood to make me think this way. my parents were loving and supportive and always told me how special i was. my friends were a fairly stable part of my life. And most of all, I was raised in an environment that constantly reminded me that God loved me no matter what. so why cant i let those truths go from my head to my heart. i know them, but i dont really feel them sometimes.

I know full well that these are just lies that satan uses to knock us down. God calls us to fellowship with others and by not doing that i am in direct violation of Gods will. In this satan is winning if even for just a little bit. I dont want him to win. I want to change this.

at one point, i was having a hard time and i called my mom to talk about it. she asked if there was someone here that i could talk to just to get some encouragement. i couldnt think of anyone. not that there arent any great, amazing, loving people here. but there wasnt anyone who i felt i could burden with my troubles. it wasnt a big deal anyway. its not that they wouldnt have listened, but why should i make them listen to it. ridiculous.

I guess if i am honest, i was always the person who people came to when they were going through stuff. this sounds so great or whatever, but most of the time they didnt really want my opinion they just wanted to talk. so in the end, it didnt matter what i said unless i said what they wanted to hear. so i did. what did it matter? maybe this conditioned me to think that nobody really cared about what i thought or what i was going through. it wasnt too significant. In this way, if i came to someone to be vulnerable it disrupted the srong facade i had to have that made people comfortable coming to me. If i appeared anything other than to have it all together, they might not want to come to me anymore. and in these situations, my friends only came to me when they needed an ear to listen. so if they didnt come to me for that then they didnt come to me at all. I would rather have a little shallow interaction than nothing at all.

this affected me more than i realized until now. since no one ever wanted anything from me, i learned to not give it. and now, even if anyone wanted anything from me i honestly dont know how to give it. and a real relationship is give/take. How can i build relationships with people if they dont think i can trust them with what i really think or what i am going through? or for that matter, who i really am? that wont last... eventually it will fade and i will make it into one more reason why not to get involved the next time. it always leads to disappointment.

this makes me sound super emo and depressed. i am not! lets make that clear. but i am processing through why i am the way i am. these are all just excuses i know. ultimately i have the power to change it, if i give it to God. i am letting satan win. but sometimes i just dont know how to fight back. or i dont know im in the middle of a battle until its already lost.

i guess, i just have to let God teach me how to trust and how to build relationships. i have to trust him that in being vulnerable with people that its all gonna work out for the good... hopefully His good. I am learning... its slow. but i think i am being more vulnerable with myself and God lately. that is a step. It cant only get better. let me say i am the queen of denial! its a defense mechanism and a way of life.

But I want true Godly fellowship. i have experienced my share of it in the past year. I honestly can say that i didnt know what it was like until then. and now i desire that fellowship and vulnerablility. even that is a step in the right direction. i have every confidence that God can show me how to change this area of my life. He is already victorious. the fact that he keeps bringing it up is encouragement. if there was no way out he wouldnt keep reminding me of something that i had no opporunity of ever being free from. But in him i will get there. i just wish i hadnt missed out on so much along the way. but even in that God is sovereign. There is always a reason. He is Good! <3