Hesitancy

Looking back on my growing up years, i now realize that I had no idea what a relationship with Christ looked like. I was definitely experiencing a continual sanctification, but sometimes i am ashamed at how gradual that process was. Oh well, its all in God's perfect and soveriegn timing and He used those times to teach me various things. I wouldnt change them for anything, but thinking back now i realize how much time was wasted in sin and complacency. It just makes me even more excited and thankful for all that God has taught me and How he has showed me a way out of the emptiness and uncontent lifestyle i was allowig myself to live in. What he has for me now is so much greater and more fulfilling. Looking back I was saved as a young child, but my life shows so much more of the fruit of that in the past year. sometimes i feel like such a young immature believer. but honestly I have a passion and desire to grow and mature in my faith, but i never want to lose this feeling of seeing everything through new eyes, like a child. I never want God to become old news...
So many times growing up i felt that pull from the Holy Spirit to give more of myself to the Lord. I knew there was more out there. i knew that the way i was living couldnt be everything. I was restless and discontent. I knew that i was holding back from God. I was scared. I put up a wall and only let him get so far.
I remember saying to God, I want to be sold out for you and i want to give you everything (lies!) but i dont want to look like those kind of CHristians.... you know the ones. all they talk about is god all the time. everything they do is analyzed and scrutinized to make sure that they are right with God. They were zealous and passionate. that scared me. i didnt think i could commit that much. If i gave God to much, then he would know how much i could give and he would come to expect it. if i got tired or couldnt keep it up then i would let him down, because i just couldnt live up to it. so i thought if i just gave a minimum he wouldnt notice that i was holding back. he cant expect more of me than what he knows that i am willing to give. I was putting limits on God! Gosh, how stupid. back then , it was good in my circles to act like a "christian". but never cross that line. you can be a christian to a certain extent but then you gotta pull back. we can pray for the food, make sure we all go to youth group, make sure everyone knows we dont smoke or cuss or drink. start a biblestudy at school. those were all fine and good, but dont go overboard. God is cool and everything but we dont have to talk about him all the time. People will see god in us through the way we live our lives, we dont have to talk about him. When we give advice to our friends, we have God in mind and our hearts in the right place so we dont actually have to quote him or anything. they know all the scripture anyway. dont raise your hands in church. dont get to into the songs. as long as you bring your bible to sunday school you are ok. invite people to youth group is great, you dont actually have to see what they got out of it. as long as they have fun and dont think we are like those "crazy christians".
Basically my mindset in high school was be good. live your life in a way that might point to god if you didnt read into it too hard. Dont be in the world, but dont stray so far that anyone notices. I thought if i did anything to "extreme" that nonbelievers would be intimidated and think they couldnt commit themselves that much and be turned away or discouraged, so i didnt want to be a stumbling block. or that was my excuse... like i was doing God a favor by not telling people how awesome God was. yea, that makes so much sense. unfortunatley at the time i thought it totally did.
Gosh, even typing this i feel ashamed by the lies i let myself believe. It was selfish and lazy and went completely against anything the bible taught. I was the very person i cant stand. I was luke warm and fine with it. thats what i wanted! i didnt want to have to give too much because it might be a little uncomfortable or inconvenient.
Thank God, He opened my eyes to the lies i was believing. I definitely dont have it all together yet. but He is still working. I am most thankful for the desire He has given me to truly find out who He is. I want to know!!! I am sick of serving the God i want him to be. If he was the type of God i could make up or even just understand, he would be no God worthy of serving. Its absurd to think that in anyway i would rather serve a God that was so blatantly lesser than the awesome, amazing, powerful God we all serve.
what scares me most is seeing the people that still do believe that. I hurt inside because God has allowed me to experience what i was missing and i would never go back. By Gods grace he has shown me that it is so worth it to step out in faith and trust him. I want that for them. I want that to be their desire too. I want them to see that the way they are living isnt the only way. I pray that God will show them the way he showed me. The complacency that i have experience and that many are still experiencing petrifies me, because it can easily be justified in our human hearts and can stop all of the amazing things God is trying to do. it is satans strongest weapon, especially when Christians just allow for it to happen with out acknowledging the danger that they face. it seems hopeless from a human stand point to defeat this mindset. thankfully GOd has already won that battle. He will show the world and they will all bow down.
Complacency is a daily struggle, but i thank GOd everyday that he has freed me from it. It isnt something that i will never be able to fully defeat. God already defeated it. He freed my heart to serve him more fully and in that way he freed my soul to experience the wonderful joy that he has purchased for us.
i think its funny that the very thing i was guarding myself from is what i was in reality living in. i wanted to free myself from the bondage of Gods lofty expectations because i thought it would bring failure and dissappointment. By giving in and allowing myself to give it all to God, He has shown me that even though there is no humanly way for me to recieve victory He has won it for me so i dont have to experience that failure or that feeling of not measuring up. Because i dont. and he knows that. Its such a relief to give in to that and let him take care of it, rather than trying to live in a way that justifies it or makes up for it.

wow, i think i could keep typing forever. its another one of my posts that appears more like a book. honestly i dont think there is any logical flow to this at all. thank goodness i dont think anyone would ever really take the time to read this nonsense. but it all means a great deal to me. Praise God!!! He is good! i never want to settle for less than all he is to me!!! :)